Wednesday, 4 February 2015

From Script to Screen: Online Greenlight review 2


1 comment:

  1. OGR 05/02/2015

    Evening Kayliegh,

    Okay - well, I've got a few things for you to think about;

    In terms of story, it does seem if we spend a lot of time in ACT 1 watching your alien walk about before we get to the fact of him fishing; wouldn't it be more immediate, if we saw him just pop up through a hatch and get into position?

    Re. the anvil - I know you're in a cartoon universe and anvils are a motif, but it does just seem as if you're still not really thinking about your retro sci-fi setting as much as you might be. The point of the anvil joke is that something heavy falls on the alien's head; couldn't the 'something heavy' be an object that enriches the sci-fi-ness of your story? It could be tanks of oxygen (the cupboard is a space-suit store), for example - I just think at the moment you've got a space station that you're still not using or having fun with. It's a SPACE STATION (IN SPACE, WITH SPACEY STUFF!) :)

    I like the whole thing with the gravity switch, but after the fish turns it off, it seems as if the fish is a bit stupid again, because it ends up flopping about and being vulnerable. Personally, I reckon the fish should continue to have the upper hand - so after the gravity is off, the fish isn't flopping about. I think there might be room for a gag in which the fish turns the gravity off and on multiple times - i.e. the heavy thing rises up again, only to be dropped again and again on the alien's head. There's more cartoon fun to be had here, I'm sure of it!

    Hmmm - your space-station... as an object it's very hard to read. I think it's time to go back to the drawing board, and back to some classic reference; retro space stations tend to look a bit like this:

    I.e. - circular! Try and derive your space station from the rules of your character - both in terms of colour and dominant shapes; i think it needs to be much more cute, more toony and much simpler as a shape - think rings, circles, spokes and domes - it will make for much more interesting interiors too!

    Bottom line is this - you're making a fun slapstick cartoon set in SPACE - you need to squeeze more distinctive design from this context; you need to give audiences the sort of science-fiction they're expecting in this instance - and you need to think more carefully about how the various props might derive something distinctive from the setting.

    Now - your ending - it's still a bit 'so what' for me. I have a tweak to suggest; so, the dynamite blows up the space-station, leaving our hapless alien fisherman floating in space; as the smoke clears he sees - and we see - that he has in fact now caught the fish (somehow) - he's jubilant, he's excited; but then what we see (but he doesn't) is that looming up behind him there is a much bigger space fish - it opens it mouth - cut to black...

    The other thing I noticed in your script is that you've got an awful lot of fading up and down to black; in animation terms, this might sap some of the energy from your story; things might need to feel a bit snappier than that - so keep your eye on that as you move into the animatic stage.